Experiential learning familiarizes us with life lessons far more intimately than hearing these same lessons from others. Adversity and discomfort can be harnessed to inspire new and positive ways to reframe challenging situations. If our first encounter with hardship doesn’t happen when we are children, we may well crumble as adults.
Do We Want to Shield Children from Pain?
Many well-meaning parents imagine that we can, and should, shield our children from all forms of pain.
Let’s stop for a moment. Consider whether we can protect children from experiencing agony and grief. Scraped knees, disappointments, and broken hearts are inevitable. With a mother’s powerful love for her children, the inclination is to intervene and protect. Meanwhile, despite our best intentions, isn’t it bizarre to imagine we can shield them forever?
The Truth
Do we avoid telling our children the truth? Do we put effort into making sure they don’t get their feelings hurt? Do we think they are unable to handle rejection or hardship? Do we shield them from the real world to keep them from feeling sadness or disappointment?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, we are shielding children from pain. Especially as they get older, its best to put away the censored version of life we may have shared in the past and instead, tell kids the truth. The ability to manage pain is a fundamental building block. While shielding kids from pain is unhealthy—it’s just as important to not deliberately inflict it. Be tactful. In our transparency, remind children of a silver lining to soften the blow while still maintaining honesty.
What to Do
A mother’s role is not problem solver, but coach. American author, Wendy Mogel, wrote, “Real protection means teaching children to manage risks on their own, not shielding them from every hazard.” It’s perfectly normal to allow children to experience the standard emotions of anger, sadness, and disappointment. These feelings encourage kids to develop healthy coping skills such as accountability, adaptability, and resilience.
Exposure to Higher Levels of Pain
Once our children are mature enough, they can volunteer at homeless shelters and visit sick people in the hospital. Through these hands-on experiences, we open up opportunities for heartfelt conversations about the importance of empathy. Our mission is not to scare them, but to show them the reality that is our world. Teach kids that rather than turning away from pain, we can lean in and make a difference.
Growth Mindset
By helping children adopt a growth mindset, they’ll be better equipped to manage adversity and work through difficulties. Let them witness our growth mindset, seeing both our successes and failures. Compliment and praise them when they dedicate concerted effort and work towards something, even if they fail. With self-confidence and willingness to learn, we can repurpose pain towards victory.
Pain from Relationships
Relationships can be wonderful, but they aren’t always perfect. People are fallible. Sometimes, friends and family disregard our wants and needs to instead selfishly serve themselves. Sometimes, our loved ones pass away. No matter how beautiful, relationships eventually lead to some pain, ranging from minimal to profound. We might shield ourselves from the pain inherent with relationships by avoiding them, but empty is the path of isolation and loneliness.
Summary
As children grow, unfamiliarity with adversity not only stunts their growth, it tends to make them increasingly vulnerable to stress, depression, and anxiety. Rather than shielding them from pain, shield them from the belief that the obstacles they face in life can break them. Teach that they are more resilient than they imagine. If kids are sad or hurt, provide not solutions, but encouragement and guidance. While building them up in their tender emotions may be painful, it is a healthy and beautiful process that will equip them greatly—during childhood—and for the rest of their lives.
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” —Psalms 23:1-4 KJV
Parents want so badly to raise self-disciplined, appreciative, and resourceful children who are not spoiled. But how to accomplish this feat? The teachings in The Blessing of a Skinned Knee are relevant for any era, and any household of any faith—both inspiring and effective in the day-to-day challenge of raising self-reliant children.
When Your Child Hurts
by Rachael Coakley
Whether pain is disease-related, the result of an injury or surgery, or caused by another condition or syndrome, this book offers effective methods for reversing the cycle of chronic pain.
Today’s children face an unprecedented level of overprotectiveness: parents who rush to school to deliver forgotten homework, challenge teachers on report card disappointments, mastermind children’s friendships, and interfere on the playing field. Hard-hitting yet warm and wise, The Gift of Failure is essential reading for parents who want to help children succeed.
The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph by Ryan Holiday
Beloved by men and women around the world who apply its wisdom, if you’re feeling frustrated, demoralized, or stuck in a rut, you can turn your problems into your biggest advantages.
PLEASE NOTE: As an Amazon Associate, Mothers Truly Matter earns from qualifying purchases. The information in this post should not be construed as providing specific psychiatric, psychological, or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist, or psychotherapist.
